My First Breakdown

 July 6, 2013. 4:20pm

I am not going to write much because I just got back from my day shift, it's almost 4:30 and I have to start heading back to the restaurant at 5:30. Yeah, I know. Jeez.

But I just have to write some. People told me beforehand that I would have some fantastic days, some stressful days, and AT LEAST one day where I cry. Well, spot on. But my first crying day came sooner than I was expecting.

I kind of understand now why everyone who works in a restaurant smokes. It. Can be. A Stressful. Place. Seriously. And it's kind of terrifying how quickly the atmosphere can change in the kitchen. One minute everyone's joking and laughing, the next minute it's all stone faces, angry movements through the kitchen, and frustrated scolding.

So that gives you a glimpse of the atmosphere. But here's how my day went:

Well, first I de-shelled peas for two hours. Literally. Yes, the bitch-work begins. Then it's lunch and break time. I continue work by washing dishes for some unknown amount of time. At some point I started helping Jean-Ba with cooking the vegetables, mushrooms, and rice, etc (a job I've been doing somewhat regularly/one of the more exciting ones for me right now). Mostly however, I am tidying up, trying to stay out of people's ways, and bringing these little palm sized saucers we use in the kitchen all the time to the dishwasher in the other room. I'm feeling pretty useless today and a little uncomfortable.

Then the worst happens. I dropped one of the little saucers on the floor in the dishwashing room (beside the kitchen) and it breaks. Fuck. Me. (Again.) I didn't even know what to do, quietly said "Merdre" (meaning "shit" - I'm kind of internalizing French - when I'm with French speaking people - to a degree where it feels very weird to say even American noises like 'ow' anymore), and just kind of stood there, shocked and frozen with my hands on my head. Alfredo, the older Spanish guy who I think is just in charge of helping keep things clean/wash dishes and Battiste were there and were so nice, told me not to worry at all, said "ce n'est pas grave", etc, and Battiste picked up the big pieces which Alfredo broomed the rest. It was a very jarring experience.

Well, I was feeling more petrified than ever, and when I returned to the kitchen I tried to see what I could help with. Jean-Ba looked incredibly irritated and stressed. A few minutes later he took out the strawberries that I sliced for him, and still looking kind of furious, throw a couple in the sink and asked Battiste to cut him four more. The problem was I had no idea what was going on. I don't know why he threw the few out, I don't know if I did something wrong (thought I just sliced them how he asked me too and I'm pretty sure I know how to slice strawberries pretty decently), and I don't know what he was saying. And so I just kind of assumed it was because of me. I just kept thinking about whether he could be mad at me for doing something wrong with the strawberries, for maybe not hearing or understanding another instruction he could have given me but I missed, for breaking the plate, just in general if he felt I'm annoying and not useful in the kitchen/was frustrated with being in charge of me...or what just angry about something entirely different.

But let me tell you. It is damn scary when it is your first week in a professional kitchen, you feel pretty useless and are just trying to stay out of people's way, you just broke a plate (and sprayed your head Chef in the face the day before), you think your mentor sous-chef is angry with you he hasn't seemed to acknowledge you for the past 30 minutes, and on top of everything, you have absolutely know idea why or what's going on because you don't really know the language, and you won't even dare asking especially because you probably won't understand the answer.

Oh yeah a little later Chef yelled at Jean-Baptiste too for doing something wrong but I don't know what. It was a stressful atmosphere.

So when Chef told me I could go, I immediately went locker room, got my clothes from mine, and tried to hold my tears until I made it into the little changing room. I almost did.

Well, I let the tears stream down my face for a little, put on my clothes, tried to avoid eye contact on my way out, and went to bottom of the currently deserted smoking/break time staircase, and sat down to breathe, thinking I would go on my computer and hopefully find mom or dad on skype or something. Well, I hadn't opened my computer yet and was still taking my deep breaths when Batiste and Orelli came and joined me. She said "ca va?" and I tried to choke out a response but couldn't say anything without crying so I motioned the 'sort of' with my hand. She gave me a sympathetic look, asked about whether it was stressful today, and I just stop my tears from falling. She and Battiste were so extraordinarily nice. She said something about it being me first week, they both talked about how today was the first day with the new menu so there is a lot a lot of stress in the restaurant, and they were both telling me it's okay. I explained that I didn't understand anything that was going but the mood can change so quickly in the kitchen, and everyone seemed to angry, and that I broke a plate (adn also sprayed Chef in the face), and that I thought Jean-Ba was upset with me but didn't know why. They were fantastic. They both talked about how everyone has broken things, that both of them have, and it's really not a big deal. They said there can be a lot of stress in the kitchen, and it really is especially bad today because of the menu change. However, it's not really at anyone, and no one was mad AT me, they were just stressed and upset in general. They both confirmed several times that Jean-Ba wasn't actually mad AT ME. I still don't know whether they're actually right about that but it's encouraging. And then said nothing lasts - everyone will be stressful or upset about something, but the next shift, it's all in the past.

Then they told me I should go back to the house and take a nap, and Battiste said he would drive me back. They were so sweet it was incredible. I can't even explain how wonderful they were and how comforting the two of the them were. It's kind of crazy, how even though I felt kind of the worst ever, it led to me feeling really really wonderful in a way because they were so caring towards me. My mood is like a roller coaster right now. This is the most up and down and crazy my moods have ever been. Ever.

Mila is a server, and she's so sweet and nice and cute (like so so so cute) and we talked a bunch during break yesterday. She came to the staircase at the end too, after I stopped crying but we were all still there and were chatting a bit more. She asked if I had a 'copin', or boyfriend', and I said no, not right now. She smiled suggestively and said 'maybe in France!!' I smiled coyly and said maybe, but then added that it's hard to have a boyfriend when you can't communicate. lol...  They all said I speak very well. Then Orelli said there are lots of candidates in the restaurant, and suggested Jean-Ba! Ha! Everyone seems to think we should get together..! I said that Chef told me the same, but then said I think he's mad at me though. Hahaha...I just can't get over that. They all reassured me again that he's not. Anyway, they Battiste drove me home. And now it's 5:12, I have to leave in less than 20 minutes, and I still haven't slept. Plus we're going out tonight. Oh boy. But I am definitely feeling ready for a couple drinks. Oh man.

I have to say, I do understand why everyone in a restaurant smokes. I said that while we were on the stairs and they all affirmed it's stressful. They confirmed that I don't, and I said no - then Orelli said she doesn't either. Oh! I didn't realize that any of the others were non-smokers! But that's good!!! Anyway, I just want to reassure you mom and dad and Maya, I have zero intention whatsoever of starting it up. I'm just saying I guess I have a sense of why restaurant workers would consider it.

So, today: the biggest roller coaster of my life. I went through some of the most petrified, insecure, and anxious moments I've experienced, but then went through an extremely precious moment where my new co-workers made me feel more comforted, supported, reassured and thankful than I can express. Maybe my response is over the top, but it really does feel good to know that they care about me. It really, really does.

Shit. It's 5:30. Time to go back to work! Wish me luck, I'll need it. For the kitchen and the club after ;)